2022-10-07

• I recently went to a small town in upstate New York. I was there to see a play. The play was written by a close friend, and it was the first time one of her plays was being professionally staged. It was not an easy thing to attend. It was a 3-hour drive each way. The drive up was after a long day of work. It was totally dark the entire way there. But the play was excellent. And spending time with my friend was wonderful. I’m really glad I went. It was a reminder that supporting and encouraging loved ones in their creative endeavors is important. Recently, I’ve been feeling kind of absent in this respect. I’m hoping to be better about this going forward. To paraphrase Kanye: my friends are dope and they do dope shit. It’s important to remember that and make the effort to support and encourage in ways big and small.
  journal
  
• On “Should”ing
  • tl;dr: It is ok to use the word “should” when 1) the thing in question is important to you and 2) you apply the “should” equally to yourself and others.
    
  • For some time, I have made a conscious effort to avoid using the word “should.” I think this is mostly because it has a long history of being associated with bad experiences. “Should” is a word that seems to pop up a lot when dealing with authority figures, as an example. There’s an unfortunate element of control, of constraining someone’s behavior, of projecting a particular value system that is hard to avoid when “should”ing someone. And yet, I am increasingly thinking that my “should”ing embargo is too extreme. Some things really should be done, and others really should not.
    
  • I’ve been chewing on this idea for the last week or so. The chewing started as a result of a trip to upstate New York to see a friend’s play.
    
  • The play was a big deal for my friend.
    
  • It was the first time one of her plays had been staged professionally.
    
  • And, of course, it was excellent.
    
  • It was also, quite a commitment of time to go see it.
    
  • A 3 hour drive, each way.
    
  • On the way home, I thought to myself “showing up for this kind of thing is something I should do more often”
    
  • I caught myself
    
  • The thing that gives me pause about “should”ing myself is that I try to follow the golden rule.
    
  • So, if I “should” myself about something, I should also apply the same standard to others. “Should”ing me is thus equivalent to “should”ing them. And that’s uncomfortable. Who am I to say how someone else should live? Resolving this uncomfortable situation involves putting clearer boundaries on the usage of “should.”
    
  • Here are the boundaries on “should”ing that I think are reasonable today.
    
  • 1. You should not use “should” lightly
       
  • 2. “Should”ing is reciprocal (all shoulds must be applied to you if you want to apply them to others)
       
  • 3. It is ok to use “should” if you could replace it with “it’s important to me” without significant loss of meaning (e.g. “I should go see my friend’s play” -> “It’s important to me to go see my friend’s play”)
       
  • But ultimately, I am more of the mind these days that it’s actually fine to “should” yourself and others and that people are doing this all the time. You don’t have to “should”
    
  • “Shoulding” is equivalent to saying “this is important to me”
    
  • “Shoulding” does not create an obligation. It does create a boundary, but not
    
  • Recently, I took a trip upstate. I went to see a play. But not just any play. It was a play written by a close friend of mine. And this was the first time one of her plays had been staged professionally. Of course, the play was excellent. More importantly, this was a somewhat rare opportunity to support a friend in her creative pursuits. And the trip reinforced for me the importance of doing this kind of thing. It’s important to support your friends in their creative endeavors.
    
  • The idea that “it’s important to support your friends” probably sounds pretty obvious.
    
  • But I think that the simplicity of it masks some of the nuance. What I’m getting at is close to a “should” statement. This is an uncomfortable place for me to go. “Should” statements are risky business for me. I don’t like it when people tell me things I “should” be doing. So, to assuage that, I’ll be explicit that what I’m talking about here is a “should” for myself, and that there is of course nuance around “should” statements.
    
  • You “should” go upstate to see your friend’s play. Or you “should” download your friends app and fiddle with it every once in a while. You don’t have to, it’s even ok to consciously choose not to do this for long periods. And, even still, you really should do these kinds of things.

---

---

---