2022-10-16
- Went to a play yesterday. It had won a Pulitzer Prize. Expectations were high. And then, the play didn’t make much sense to me. But I went with Laura. And that was fun. We went to a bar after. We both ordered drinks we don’t enjoy (beer). And then we talked about the play, and life, and what we hope for, and what we fear. It was wonderful.
- I get the sense that my friends and family feel very “in the dark” about my relationship with my girlfriend. This is mostly intentional. And yet, it’s probably good to at least communicate the basics. I love Elena. We have amazing experiences together. Experiences that make me believe in a long, wonderful future together. It’s going great, and I’m very happy. I think that’s about as much as people really need to know about this. Of course, there is much more to tell. On top of that, I believe sharing is important and good in the right context. It’s just that the right context is pretty narrow for me these days. I think it’s helpful to go into some of reasoning as to why I hold back on sharing more/have limited sharing to pretty specific contexts. Especially, since I used to be much more open about sharing a thing when I felt strongly about it. It really has changed for me. So, why don’t I wax poetic about this great love of mine in casual social situations? The short
answer is: I am very concerned about peer pressure. My friends want me to be happy. I’ve noticed that when I tell my friends about big things I’m excited about, they respond with excitement too. I love this about my friends. I’ve also noticed that my friends’ past excitement becomes a stumbling block, for me, around making changes in my life when my situation changes. It can feel like I’m going to disappoint people and face annoying social repercussions for making changes that are ultimately good for me and others. That’s hard. Furthermore, my friends are human. Sometimes they encourage things for me on a basis of maintaining excitement for something else going on in their life. Often they will not be aware they are projecting like this. The same goes for me. This is a very challenging thing to untangle. Ok, so it’s hard. And I’m now old enough to take seriously the idea that lots of things change, even big important things. Combine all of this and here we are. I’m not currently
comfortable with the idea of accepting implicit, well-intentioned pressure from friends in this area. Of course, I do want to share and wish I had people in my corner to talk to. I recognize I don’t have a great solution for navigating this situation with my friends. The best I can do now is to be more careful about the context in which I will engage with these ideas with others. So, I’m much more muted than before. Maybe that will change in the future. Time will tell. I do enjoy and value the more private conversations I have with friends about the challenges and nuances of big life decisions. There really is an appropriate time and place to dig into this stuff. But it’s usually not a casual affair for me anymore. My friends have both real influence and real biases, and I’m not sure they or I fully understand the extent of those things. So, I tread carefully. Topics like this (e.g. marriage) are things I’d love to talk about at a 1:1 dinner with a nice bottle of wine, or at 1am just
the two of us. Deep communion is the vibe. Not something to bring up in the course of pleasant chit-chat anymore.
poetry
- Some people never really go through
- A loss of faith
- which seems like it would be
Date
October 16, 2022