2023-07-03
- This tweet/thread is pretty good. I think it gets to the heart of some stuff I struggle with in relationships these days. It’s pretty frequent that someone will either initiate an interaction with me or respond to something I’m doing in a way that doesn’t feel good for me. I say “pretty frequent” but I want to clarify that I don’t think it happens more than for a normal person, or that the occurrences are some sort of particularly painful or intense experience. I do think it’s possible I’m more sensitive to this kind of thing than most people, so in that sense I may notice it more often/more acutely. But I think if I could clearly/accurately communicate what I’m talking about, most people would say “oh yeah, that happens to me pretty regularly too”. But it’s hard to communicate it in exact terms. Maybe that would be a good post for another time (what exactly happens in these situations and why do I
respond the way I do). But for now, Im more interested in writing about what, in broad terms, I am feeling. And the hard part is it isn’t some huge thing. It is almost always a subtle feeling of tension, akin to saying a joke and someone sort of half laughing. Or getting off the beat on the dance floor with your dancing partner, if you want to be a bit more metaphorical. In the past, I’d be really disappointed when this kind of thing happens. More recently, I am moving in the direction of distinguishing between self/other in a different way, which results in these kinds of miscommunications/misunderstandings being less personal. This is, I think, an improvement. But it has a tradeoff. Namely, though I’m able to see these points of friction as not personal to me, I end up still feeling pretty alienated/isolated/separate from the other person/people involved. It feels like a numbness to these little pain points. But the numbness isn’t super pleasant, it’s just kind of empty. I’m not sure
if there’s a better way to avoid a negative reaction when I feel some tension in an interaction without going numb. To bring it back to a dance metaphor, I’d like to be able to continue dancing with someone after my toe gets accidentally stepped on, but I don’t really know how to do that. I currently keep the dance going, but am pretty dissociated. I’d like to find a way to gracefully continue the dance and have both dancers feel connected.
Date
July 3, 2023